Two Weeks Post

Death crept on my shoulder

Mimosas in thomkins sq park. WHiskey town. Slams into wall. Drunk at LA Apparel. Dropped steak at Luciens. Gosh. East village. The politicians. Florina gate.

"MY PARTY IS A FUCKING FLOP"

We sat in the long table sipping our whiskey and espresso martini's

Everyone began to shuffle in

"Do you wanna do cocaine?"

Going away party

"The last time I saw you we we're going to have a threesome. Now I'm about to have another one"

"We're both really attracted to you... It was more out of respect for [REDACTED]"

"That's fucking retarded. I've never been more horny than I was sitting in that booth with you two. And that was so long ago anyway. I've known you guys independently since"

Boring drinks with Gen. Rubber ducky gate. Folly afters

As I walked the 4 blocks down from the traphouse the clothes I had thrown out were still there. The buffalo exchange bag was gone but the clothing remained.

We sat smoked laughed. We enter dr calrk. We go to clandestino. We meet the gallerist and an artist. Afters at food with Lucien. He doesnt have the keys. Art studio on bowery. Cocaine on my brand new ID. leaves with a gram on coke

"Can I get, one classic river dog and a glass of Pinhook Bourbon on the rocks?

I sat on the cow print seat and patiently waited on Besarta while I sipped my whiskey

Stuffing the hotdog in my face a man comes up to my. Come sit with us. Just as he offers Besarta bursts in through the saloon style swinging doors in her sheer white outfit. She looked like an angel.

Besarta, Joseph and I at the river

Ridgewood

Ollie and I board the L train.

"You triggered him and you weren't being very nice. and that was the second time I've had to defend you. I just don't think I should have to defend my friends. it makes me look bad"

"To be fair on my end I could feel I was walking into something I shouldn't have. I felt out of place and judged and I came in with a lot of energy that wasn't welcoming"

"Yeah but I had already told you I was going to the River with Mystery and you just sprung up out of no where"

We stopped by a deli in Queens to get ciders.

"This made me feel a lot better. I don't know why I felt scared and like I couldn't have a serious conversation with you"

I took a cigarette out in the bathroom

Today I was half productive. I straightened my hair only to go out in the rain all day. Crossroads gave me 38 dollars and took 6 items. I took it after my ex-boyfriend and threw the rest of the clothes on the side of 2nd avenue.

Now I'm going to see Billy. To find some shitty bar to find "trade" quote on quote. I don't know why I'm feeling so anxious and upset. I feel insane like I'm jumping off the walls and I feel completely neurotic.

I'm smooth. I'm raw and primal. I'm bleeding in multiple places. The pain is what I envisioned. I'm OK

I got off the Astor Place 6 train stop and rung Billy's doorbell. I handed him his PrEP that I had picked up for him earlier in the day and we embarked on our night.

We hopped and skipped to Tile bar where we sat at the bar pressed between two NYU students and a first date couple over dressed for this cheap bar.

Billy's favorite bartender

I thought I would have half an interesting thought or some meaningful reflection over my first funeral.

What I can say is, I thought the funeral was touching and brought a sense of community, but I found it pathetic that it was used as a way to socialize.

I thought MoMoMo xxxxxx was fabulous and I learned about my father. There was definitely tenderness over my grandma and him. Such as my mother crying at Ave Maria, to later reveal that they also sung it at my fathers funeral.

What I can say for certain is that the church and the service was completely theatrical. and the priest was a dweeb. Theatre is about performance so at least the priest could have done was perform, and put on a show. Plus all this retardation in the catholic practice where only active members of the church were able to get up to eat and drink jesus.

Nobody wants to work but you are an ACTOR! So put on a performance. Not to mention he didn't even speak spanish. Having someone equipped and skilled to actually speak the language would have been the minimum. It all felt hollow and performative.

Actors have to memorize their lines why shouldn't a priest? You could feel the way he was reading the script and each pause when the name came up you can just tell the script said [INSERT NAME].

Plus he way he was just completely bored and uninterested the entire service. People devote their entire lives to the church and god. My grandmother and her daughters spent her last moments on their knees praying fervently just for the priest to not even care.

Hot Dilly dally. Severence of ties between fatality and immortality through days of unbound repair among our imminent familiarity of our everlasting dancing circling around a love triangle bound through blood and mortality. You guide me and pull me through my dope dreams and everlasting lethargy with your purple hands and your swollen feet adorned mani pedi style HOT PINK! Your soft, supple, and tender skin ablaze in rhythmic pulse with the sound of your green oxygen in this simple transient state we share.

I woke up in between Ollie and Florin this morning. I didn't sleep in my own bed last night either. Last sunday was truly miserable in terms of my lack of sleep, insomnia, binge drinking, and my heavy use of cocaine. I had overexerted my body and pushed its limit. I broke my sober streak (4 days in) on Thursday with Billy where I spent more money on half a pitcher of margaritas than a pastrami lunch in the vintagey diner in Flatiron.

My casa no-go streak was broken

Billy
'good morning'
'not you still in the east village'

"Can I bathe myself?" I ask the Politician, sitting up in his bed

The bathroom in his studio consists of only a toilet and a sink. The "shower" is actually just a bathtub in the middle of the room, that dubs as a kitchen island with a wooden board to cover when not in use. The Politician is half asleep but im cautious to not disturb his slumber. The plank of wood is heavy. I strip myself and plug the shower head into the faucet. The apartment is dark. The only light is through the sliver of the curtain that remained open. I rinse myself attempting to keep the water inside the tub. The apartment would be quite easy to flood. I'm surrounded by artwork in the dim studio. It's quite a transcendental feeling; dark shower-bath, sitting down, dark, surrounded by beautiful art in his gorgeous apartment.

Once dry and dressed I walk three blocks down. I buzz Billy. He lets me up.

"Hold up I'm still getting dressed"

I woke up tense and taut and arrived to work only 6 minutes and 51 seconds late. 5 hours into my shift I get called in for my performance review.

"Overall we would conclude your performance is outstanding. You just sometimes get chatty and distract others, but you're great and really represent the brand and can elevate a white t-shirt. Because of this we're deciding to give you a .50 cent raise!"

Caroline hung up the zoom call. We both burst out laughing.

"That's like a slap in the face."

I guess it's better than nothing." I said

As I signed the paper for my .50 cent raise My phone started ringing. The Politician was calling me.

"Would you like to be my date to The Explores club?

"What is that?" I asked

"It's an organization on the Upper East Side. They celebrate adventurers and people who go on expeditions. Look it up. They're hosting their annual gala dinner"

"Sure but im not off till 8"

"I'm getting dressed right now im 15 minutes late

"I'll hit you when I'm off"

I was quite glad I dressed myself in my appropriate length mini skirt and my cashmere sweater unknowing I would have a ¿formal? occasion. I headed toward the Spring St uptown 6.

By the time I got there the event was practically ending. The Politician scored me a glass of white wine and we traversed the space with him and his company. Mika used the opportunity as an instagram opp and stayed glued on her phone taking selfies. Once the event was officially over the crowd moved outside and The Politician began to regroup and find the right mix to go back to his.

We fit ourselves into two cars.

"You really have a Jackie Kennedy vibe to you" The Politicians explorer friend said to me

I laughed at the perfect innuendo for my new politician boyfriend and my dressed like the first lady. We sat in traffic on FDR Drive and The Politicians phone rang

"His manager is going to drop him. He's seriously not ok. He won't stop doing drugs and it's come to a point that he'll be dead by Sunday. He's unsavable. He's going to die."

"Who is this? Who is he talking about?" I whispered to The Politician

He muted the phone

"This is Clavicular's social media coordinator. He's helping with my campaign"

Back at the apartment the mix was young explorers, the Marine (war criminal), a freshly (re)married couple form New Jersey, a very drunk russian, and other minglers.

Even through all the cocaine I sat completely unentertained by the marine's awful attempt at poetry. His poem about the ambivalence of sex and violence. Where the pull of a trigger felt like an orgasm.

BILLY'S LAST DAY OF WORK.

We wore our cheesecloth skirts and spent half our shift outside welcoming customers, talking shit & yelling "TRADE" at hot guys walking by. With the sun beaming on us in true perfect April weather fashion, him in his big 60s bug DreamStyle sunnies and I, my fathers 90s shades.

"Hey by the way I have to leave work early." I said to the up-and-coming shift lead on her second day of promotion

"Uhhh what? Why?"

"My friend is having a gallery opening!"

"What? You can't just do whatever you want and leave midway through your shift" she said beginning to raise her voice and lose her temper

"Well I'm letting you know. Do you really need the coverage it's just two hours?"

*********

After Billy said his goodbyes and parted ways with his job, I, successfully able to excuse myself early, began to strip in the break room and get ready to take on the nights rendezvous. He came back a wee bit later with a pack of red solo cups and a bottle of white wine. I had a ballet flat on my right foot and a black Chloe boot my left, and I made it everyone's business to help me decide which shoe to pair.

"Girl, we have to finish this entire thing in like 15 minutes." he said

I burst out laughing and I walk over to him and down my half bottle of wine. We toss the bottle and ditch the cups and embark on our journey down Broadway.

Our first stop was a gallery that his friend was working the reception. We enter a midst among a crowd of older people. We greet her as she pours cups of sparkling water for the attendees.

"Hold on let me get you something to drink"

She went into a closet and came back with two little cups of champagne.

"We used to serve champagne on opening days but people would come in just to drink and not look at the art."

Half drunk, Billy and I made our rounds around the gallery inspecting the art and the room. A sudden movement of mine made half my cup splatter and fizz across the wooden floor. The older people in the gallery pinned their eyes on us. Did we look so out of place? Or was my goat fur coat drawing wrong attention?

We continued the loop, we said our goodbyes to his friend and embarked on our second stop of the night. The streets of Tribeca were busy with art enthusiasts.

We approached the blacked out door of the gallery and floated through the room. I greeted my acquittances and we wound upstairs.

The gallerist greeted us and offered us beers that were hidden behind the steps. We cracked them open and interacted with the room. As it approached 8 o'clock the gallerist began to push everyone out and clear the space. He informed us of the after party at his good friends nightclub at 11.

Billy and I lingered outside as we scoured the crowd, for our next move. A friend of mine approached us, a cigarette clinging from his lips. The Politician crept from behind him in a raggedy t-shirt and long camo shorts.

"We're going back to mine, you're welcome to come" said The Politician.

I turned to Billy.

"What do you think? He has a really beautiful apartment in the East Village"

Billy agreed. The politician scoured the crowd to invite more guests and called a car for us to cram into.

We walked to the after party which coincidentally was five blocks down from the apartment.

I've never felt exhaustion so visceral and widespread throughout my body.

For now I can at least say I'm having fun. What is it like to be a girl with two men on an unexpected wednesday night. Unexpected and brutal, writing in the bathroom at Baby Grand.
*This section was incomprehensible and illegible due to the whiskey

Throwing up in Bubble G . bathroom was not in my bucket list tonight. Nor was anything. I can't tell if this is normal. Their car will show up and only good things will happen.

"The kids will be okay" the gallerist told me

Their friend arrived in the wee hours of the morning. I watched the room, everyone chain smoking, puffing on green vapes, and huddled in groups, I sank in the couch. Everyone was ecstatic, small inconspicuous black bags passed around the room.

"Whats your address let me get you a car"

"It's okay I get get myself home, don't worry about it"

"No it's fine let me help you"

I told him my address but his eyed widened when he saw what a 7am ride to Brooklyn would cost.

"Here do you mind calling it?. I can give you 20 bucks."